November 16, 2004

You remember that girl from a few days ago? Sarah, the one who was planning on taking her life? Well, she did try. It was very sad to learn that. However, it was a relief to hear that someone called the rescue team and got to her just in time. If she had been there even 5 minutes longer, she wouldn't have made it.

Sarah is alive and that makes me happy enough to cry. Now she just needs to push through to where she can stand up and say "I'm alive and well...and happy". I know she can do it. She is a strong girl. Very talented writer as well. I hope she makes it through this all and considers a career in writing. Her work is very touching.

As for me, I will continue to trudge along and try to get rid of this headache.

November 15, 2004

Ok, it's been a couple days since I posted. I'm very frustrated right now and stress is killing me. I have the next 5 days to study for my real estate exam on Saturday. I've been procrastinating for 2 months. Now I'm stressed and irritable and I don't even want to study anymore. My head hurts and it is so boring. On top of that, work is really trying today. The guy I work for, the president of the company, can't seem to make up his mind on these stupid letters that all of a sudden he wants out. I have been trying to nail him down on the stuff that goes in the letter for 3 weeks now!!! So anyway, I ended up retyping these damn letters about 20 times. UGH!

At the same time, I'm getting work from the vice president as well! So I have two people slamming me with work while it's a Monday and I have a stack of mail 2 feet high to sort and deliver to the various departments. I know it doesn't SEEM like much, but when that much mail takes 3 hours to sort and deliver, while you are retyping a damn letter 15 times and you are trying to get contracts together for another person, oh yea, and it ALL has to be done today, it's a bit stressful. I couldn't even take my full lunch break to get it all done. =(

All I want to do is go home and veg in front of the TV and cuddle up to Mike, but instead I get to go home and study. This is not my idea of a good time. Geez, I'm so stressed I feel like crying. Screaming would be good too right now.

November 11, 2004

Well, on the message boards I have been visiting I found out one of our members plans to take her life. I sincerely hopes shes reconsiders as she has a wonderful talent and is a wonderful person herself.

It is somewhat disheartening that this disease can get so unbearable sometimes that you feel the only way out is to leave this life completely. I've always felt it was a very selfish thing to do. It not only hurts those who loved you for who you are and tried to help you, but it is basically just running away from yourself and who you are. I barely know this person, yet my heart is breaking for her.

There have been fleeting moments where I have wondered what it would be like to try something like that. Not because I ever felt like doing it myself, but because I want to try to understand what brings a person to that point. The thought of doing such a thing as taking your own life has always been frightening to me. The pain that a person goes through to get to that point and the pain they must feel if it doesn't succeed. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe that taking your own life is an unforgiveable sin and in doing so, you are not actually solving anything or getting away from anything. You are putting yourself back into the same situation, just in another plane of reality.

I wish there were more I could do for you Sarah. I wish there was another choice I could offer you. However, I barely know you and have no knowledge of your life or what you need. I just hope against hope that you change your mind and find the help that you need. You are a talented and very gifted person. Your words in your poetry have touched the hearts of many here and anywhere you have allowed your work to be read. Please know that your family loves you, your friends love you, I love you, and those on the boards love you very much. Friends dont look for you to be a friend forever, we merely ask that you try, and we wish that you try as long as you can. Please know if you need a kind shoulder to cry on or just a friendly ear to listen, I am here for you.

Sincerely,
Alicia

November 10, 2004

I figure the easiest way for me to do this was to just title the posts with the date. Unless there is something special I want to write about, that will be how I do it.

Last night I slept like crap. I must have woken up about 20 times and I froze my butt off cause Mike kept stealing all the covers! This morning I'm tired, cranky, and PMSing. I have a lot of stuff going on right now. I have to figure out what I need to do to finalize my Real Estate License test date, I need to actually STUDY for it which is incredibly boring, and I need to figure out what it is I really want to do. Yes I know, I'm getting my real estate license so why don't I use it? Cause Im not sure if I wanted to get into that field cause my parents are in it or cause I really really did like it when I was involved in it.

I want to try child care too. I dont know if it is feasible since I still live in an apartment, but it is a pretty decent size. I just love children, I have always loved babysitting, so I figure I would like to do child care for a living. The only problem is getting motivated enough to check it out and find out if I should try it or not.

I guess the biggest thing bugging me right now is Mike. Im totally crazy mad in love with him, cant picture my life without and we plan on being together forever, but he has yet to propose. I am soooo ready to get married to him and last Christmas he gave me a promise ring. He said the promise was that sometime after I graduated school, we would get engaged. Well, I graduated back in September. I know, I know. It has only been 2 months, but darn it I am impatient! February will be 3 years. I don't want to end up like one of those people who are "dating" for 15 years and never get married. I know it is an unreasonable thought but it is there.

I also want to have children. But I refuse to have children before I have a ring on my finger! That makes it even more difficult because I just found out the other day he is now ready for children too. I told him I wanted a ring first. There are very vital steps that I am not going to skip here. It is just so frustrating cause I want it all now, not later. I guess I will just have to continue to be "patient". After all, I don't want to push him and keep mentioning it because the last thing I want is to make him feel like he is being forced into anything.

WELCOME!!!

First and foremost, if you found this, WELCOME!!!

This site will be serving mainly as a type of journal into which I will place my thoughts, feelings, ideas, dreams, etc. Some of you may know me personally, others by just a screen name on a computer. Either way I feel you need to know a little about me to truly understand my purpose in creating this place.

My name is Alicia and I live in California. I have been diagnosed as Bipolar (often refered to as BP or Beeper) since the fall of 1999. Since this disease runs in the family, it wasn't such a big shock to myself and my family, however it has still taken a long time to come to terms with it and the fact I have to help myself. This is one step I am taking in the attempt to help myself. If you, a family member, or friend are bipolar and you are looking for information, please check http://a-silver-lining.org/. There is a lot of information and there is even a chat and message board for more information or questions regarding this disease.