December 8, 2004

I know I haven't written in a while. I don't know why. Every time I come here I can't think of anything to write. All I can think of to say is "Yea, um, I'm still here." I don't know. The last couple weeks have been very up and down for me. A few days ago at work I was about ready to quit and never come back. My boss can be very difficult because he rarely voices what he needs. He expects me to be more telepathic than anything. I'm sorry but I CAN'T READ MINDS! I never have been able to and I never claimed to. On top of that I have been down for no apparent reason.

It's raining today. It rained a bit yesterday but the sun ended up coming out. Last night I was teary-eyed. This morning I am definitely down. Christmas is around the corner and I have to finish my gifts. I can't get motivated to do it though. Mike and I started our diets again. I keep trying new recipes to find stuff that is good for us but that tastes good. It hasn't been going well. I try a new recipe and it tastes like crap. =( But Mike, god I love him, has been very patient with it and has tried everything I have made. He even tries to help me think of other ways to make these bad meals good.

This morning I was dead to the world. I barely woke up to my alarm. I feel like I want to cry and I just want everyone at work to leave me alone.

I passed my Real Estate test so I can apply for my license. I'm going to try to go to Keller Williams this weekend and see if they will take on a part-time agent. I really don't know what I want to do with my life. Do I want to do real estate? Do I want to do daycare? Do I want to continue to do these admin jobs? In all honesty, all I can think of is the fact that I don't want to work at all. I would rather be home or running errands, caring for the house and rounding up children, my children. I don't want to have to worry about money though. If I quit working, that is exactly what I would do is worry.

I was unemployed for a month and I loved every minute of it. I kept busy, the house was clean, I cooked, the laundry was always done, I spent more time with Mike and everything! Now that I am working again, the house is trashed, I'm lucky if I manage to do the dishes let alone the laundry, I don't look forward to cooking and I spend more time wallowing in my sadness than with Mike. I honestly don't know how he puts up with me.

I try not to dwell on this sad stuff cause it only makes me sadder, but it is like a snowball that just keeps getting bigger until it takes up everything in my mind. My aunt and I call it cycling. I stub my toe, it will get infected, it will spread to my leg, it's gang green, they have to amputate, I can't work, my parents have to support me, they go broke, and it just keeps going till eventually I end up dead! Right now I just hate everything. I hate my life. I just seems to be in such a rut, a dead end, no point to it and I have nowhere to go.