December 22, 2004

So I had a dream a few nights ago that I heard something at the front door. It was my house I was in but not the one I currently live in. Not really one I have ever known, but I knew in my dream this was my house. At the front door there sat two absolutely adorable snow white kittens with little pink noses just looking up at me with the most sad, adorable look imagineable. Well, of course I wanted to take them in out of the cold cause it was snowing outside! Well, it doesn't even really snow here in the valley, but in my dream there was snow! But Mike commented we should be careful cause they probably have flees. So we took a closer look and sure enough, they were covered in them. We took them into the bathroom where we gave them a flee bath and they were on their best behavior. After we were done we dried them with a towel and they came dry miraculously fast. I then went to the kitchen to get them some cat food we already had for our two older kittens. Well, every time I turned around they were both sitting right next to each other, looking exactly alike still, with that adorable look on their faces just watching me.

That's all I remember.

Three Days' Til Christmas

December 22, 2004

Three days 'til Christmas and I still have so much to do.
Three days 'til Christmas and with no energy like you.
Three days 'til Christmas and the crazy running around.
Three days 'til Christmas and everyone abounds.
Three days 'til Christmas and the crowds and fake smiles.
Three days 'til Christmas and I have travelled all these miles.
Three days 'til Christmas and the family's "Oh look at you!"
Three days 'til Christmas and I hear "What did you do!!"
Three days 'til Christmas and I have to deal with all their crap.
Three days 'til Christmas, are the presents even wrapped?
Three days 'til Christmas and their condesending looks.
Three days 'til Christmas, I'd rather read a book.
Three days 'til Christmas, must I do this every year?
Three days 'til Christmas and I'm waiting here in fear.
Three days 'til Christmas, what a happy time of year.
Three days 'til Christmas and yet I still shed a tear.

December 8, 2004

I know I haven't written in a while. I don't know why. Every time I come here I can't think of anything to write. All I can think of to say is "Yea, um, I'm still here." I don't know. The last couple weeks have been very up and down for me. A few days ago at work I was about ready to quit and never come back. My boss can be very difficult because he rarely voices what he needs. He expects me to be more telepathic than anything. I'm sorry but I CAN'T READ MINDS! I never have been able to and I never claimed to. On top of that I have been down for no apparent reason.

It's raining today. It rained a bit yesterday but the sun ended up coming out. Last night I was teary-eyed. This morning I am definitely down. Christmas is around the corner and I have to finish my gifts. I can't get motivated to do it though. Mike and I started our diets again. I keep trying new recipes to find stuff that is good for us but that tastes good. It hasn't been going well. I try a new recipe and it tastes like crap. =( But Mike, god I love him, has been very patient with it and has tried everything I have made. He even tries to help me think of other ways to make these bad meals good.

This morning I was dead to the world. I barely woke up to my alarm. I feel like I want to cry and I just want everyone at work to leave me alone.

I passed my Real Estate test so I can apply for my license. I'm going to try to go to Keller Williams this weekend and see if they will take on a part-time agent. I really don't know what I want to do with my life. Do I want to do real estate? Do I want to do daycare? Do I want to continue to do these admin jobs? In all honesty, all I can think of is the fact that I don't want to work at all. I would rather be home or running errands, caring for the house and rounding up children, my children. I don't want to have to worry about money though. If I quit working, that is exactly what I would do is worry.

I was unemployed for a month and I loved every minute of it. I kept busy, the house was clean, I cooked, the laundry was always done, I spent more time with Mike and everything! Now that I am working again, the house is trashed, I'm lucky if I manage to do the dishes let alone the laundry, I don't look forward to cooking and I spend more time wallowing in my sadness than with Mike. I honestly don't know how he puts up with me.

I try not to dwell on this sad stuff cause it only makes me sadder, but it is like a snowball that just keeps getting bigger until it takes up everything in my mind. My aunt and I call it cycling. I stub my toe, it will get infected, it will spread to my leg, it's gang green, they have to amputate, I can't work, my parents have to support me, they go broke, and it just keeps going till eventually I end up dead! Right now I just hate everything. I hate my life. I just seems to be in such a rut, a dead end, no point to it and I have nowhere to go.

November 16, 2004

You remember that girl from a few days ago? Sarah, the one who was planning on taking her life? Well, she did try. It was very sad to learn that. However, it was a relief to hear that someone called the rescue team and got to her just in time. If she had been there even 5 minutes longer, she wouldn't have made it.

Sarah is alive and that makes me happy enough to cry. Now she just needs to push through to where she can stand up and say "I'm alive and well...and happy". I know she can do it. She is a strong girl. Very talented writer as well. I hope she makes it through this all and considers a career in writing. Her work is very touching.

As for me, I will continue to trudge along and try to get rid of this headache.